Childhood Living

A Time To Relax

2006-01-26T22:48:42Z

I've been so busy lately! There's been school, and things to do with my car and work, which seems like all the time. I've actually been trying to do my homework and get good grades. But I'm just so tired all the time.

I've been listening to Q101 alot lately. I'm getting into the alternative stuff. If you don't know music is like the main ingrediant in designing your own "Super Caitlin".

I'm 17 now! I had a bday. And I keep putting my friends in the trunk of my car. I should really stop that.

Alright if you know me well enough, you know that I get obsessed with things that I like. So just to update all of you here are my niches.

Music

1. Gym Class Heros - Cupids Chokehold.

*featuring Patrick Stump of Fall Out Boy

Ba ba da da
Ba ba da da
Ba ba da da
Ba ba da da
Ba ba da da

Take a look at my girlfriend
She's the only one i got (ba ba da da)
Not much of a girlfriend
I never seem to get a lot (ba ba da da, ba ba da da)

It's been some time since we last spoke
This is gonna sound like a bad joke
But momma i fell in love again
It's safe to say i have a new girlfriend

And i know it sounds so old
But cupid got me in a chokehold
And i'm afraid i might give in
Towels on the mat my white flag is wavin'

I mean she even cooks me pancakes
And alka seltzer when my tummy aches
If that ain't love then i don't know what love is

We even got a secret handshake
And she loves the music that my band makes
I know i'm young but if i had to choose her or the sun
I'd be one nocturnal son of a gun

(ba ba da da, ba ba da da)

Take a look at my girlfriend
She's the only one i got (ba ba da da)
Not much of a girlfriend
I never seem to get a lot (ba ba da da, ba ba da da)

Take a look at my girlfriend
She's the only one i got (ba ba da da)
Not much of a girlfriend
I never seem to get a lot (ba ba da da, ba ba da da)

It's been awhile since we talked last and i'm tryin' hard not to talk fast
But dad i'm finally thinkin' i may have found the one
Type of girl that will make you way proud of your son

And i know you heard the last song about the girls that didn't last long
But i promise this is on a whole new plane
I can tell by the way she says my name (ba ba da da)

I love the way she calls my phone
She even got her very own ringtone
If that ain't love then i don't know what love is (ba ba da da)

It's gonna be a long drive home but i know as soon as i arrive home
And i open the door take off my coat and throw my bag on the floor
She'll be back in my arms into my arms once more for sure

Take a look at my girlfriend
She's the only one i got (ba ba da da)
Not much of a girlfriend
I never seem to get a lot (ba ba da da, ba ba da da)

She's got a smile that would make the most senile
Annoying old man bite his tongue
I'm not done
She's got eyes comparable to sunrise
And it doesn't stop there
Man i swear
She's got porcelain skin of course she's a ten
And now she's even got her own song
But movin' on
She's got the cutest laugh i ever heard
And we can be on the phone for three hours
Not sayin' one word
And i would still cherish every moment
And when i start to build my future she's the main component
Call it dumb call it luck call it love or whatever you call it but
Everywhere i go i keep her picture in my wallet like you

Take a look at my girlfriend
She's the only one i got (ba ba da da)
Not much of a girlfriend
I never seem to get a lot (ba ba da da, ba ba da da)

Take a look at my girlfriend
She's the only one i got (ba ba da da)
Not much of a girlfriend
I never seem to get a lot (ba ba da da, ba ba da da)

2. Black Eyed Peas - Don't Lie

[WILL]
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry
Hey, baby my nose is getting big
I noticed it be growing when I been telling them fibs
Now you say your trust's getting weaker
Probably coz my lies just started getting deeper
And the reason for my confession is that I learn my lesson
And I really think you ought to know the truth
Because I lied and I cheated and I lied a little more
But after I did it I don't know what I did it for
I admit that I have been a little immature
Fucking with your heart like I was the predator
In my book of lies I was the editor
And the author
I forged my signature
And now I apologise for what I did to you
Cos what you did to me I did to you

[FERGIE]
No,no, no, no baby, no, no, no, no don't lie
No, no, no, no, yeah, you know, know, know, know, you gotta try
What you gonna do when it all comes out
When I really see you & what you're all about

No, no, no baby, no, no, no, no don't lie
Yeah, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you gotta try

[APL]
She said I'm leaving
Cos she can't take the pain
It's hard to continue this love it ain't the same
Can't forget the things that I've done inside her brain
Too many lies committed too many games
She feeling like a fool getting on the last train
Trying to maintain but the feeling won't change
I'm sorry for the things that I've done and what I became
Caught up in living my life in the fast lane
Blinded by lights, cameras, you know the fame
I don't know the reason why I did these things

[APL and FERGIE]
And I lie and I lie and I lie and I lie
And now our emotions are drained
Cos I lie and I lie and a little lie lie
And now your emotions are drained

[FERGIE]
No, no, no, no baby, no, no, no, no don't lie (no, don't you lie)
No, no, no, no, yeah, you know, know, know, know, you gotta try (got to try, got to try)
What you gonna do when it all comes out (what you gonna do baby)
When I really see you & what you're all about
Nonono babe, no, no, no, no don't lie
Because you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, gotta try

Ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ba da ba da ba da ba da badabada

[TABOO]
Yo, I'm lying to my girl
Even though I love her
And she all in my world
I give her all my attention and diamonds & pearls
She's the one who makes me feel on top of the world
Still I lie to my girl, I do it

[APL and FERGIE]
And I lie and I lie and I lie till there's no turning back
I don't know why, (and I lie and I lie till I don't know who I am)

3. Neo - So Sick

(Lyrics not available)

4. Eminem - When I'm Gone

[Introduction]
Yeah...
It's my life...
My own words I guess...

[Verse 1]
Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for?
Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for?
When they know they're your heart
And you know you were their armour
And you will destroy anyone who would try to harm 'her
But what happens when karma, turns right around and bites you?
And everything you stand for, turns on you to spite you?
What happens when you become the main source of her pain?
"Daddy look what I made", Dad's gotta go catch a plane
"Daddy where's Mommy? I can't find Mommy where is she?"
I don't know go play Hailie, baby, your Daddy's busy
Daddy's writing a song, this song ain't gonna write itself
I'll give you one underdog then you gotta swing by yourself
Then turn right around on that song and tell her you love her
And put hands on her mother, who's a spitting image of her
That's Slim Shady, yeah baby, Slim Shady's crazy
Shady made me, but tonight Shady's rocka-by-baby...

[Chorus]
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel my pain
Just smile back
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel my pain
Just smile back...

[Verse 2]
I keep having this dream, I'm pushin' Hailie on the swing
She keeps screaming, she don't want me to sing
"You're making Mommy cry, why? Why is Mommy crying?"
Baby, Daddy ain't leaving no more, "Daddy you're lying
"You always say that, you always say this is the last time
"But you ain't leaving no more, Daddy you're mine"
She's piling boxes in front of the door trying to block it
"Daddy please, Daddy don't leave, Daddy - no stop it!"
Goes in her pocket, pulls out a tiny necklace locket
It's got a picture, "this'll keep you safe Daddy, take it withcha'"
I look up, it's just me standing in the mirror
These fuckin' walls must be talking, cuz man I can hear 'em
They're saying "You've got one more chance to do right" - and it's tonight
Now go out there and show that you love 'em before it's too late
And just as I go to walk out of my bedroom door
It's turns to a stage, they're gone, and this spotlight is on
And I'm singing...

[Chorus]
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel my pain
Just smile back
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel my pain
Just smile back...

[Verse 3]
Sixty thousand people, all jumping out their seat
The curtain closes, they're throwing roses at my feet
I take a bow and thank you all for coming out
They're screaming so loud, I take one last look at the crowd
I glance down, I don't believe what I'm seeing
"Daddy it's me, help Mommy, her wrists are bleeding,"
But baby we're in Sweden, how did you get to Sweden?
"I followed you Daddy, you told me that you weren't leavin'
"You lied to me Dad, and now you make Mommy sad
"And I bought you this coin, it says 'Number One Dad'
"That's all I wanted, I just want to give you this coin
"I get the point - fine, me and Mommy are going"
But baby wait, "it's too late Dad, you made the choice
"Now go out there and show 'em that you love 'em more than us"
That's what they want, they want you Marshall, they keep.. screamin' your name
It's no wonder you can't go to sleep, just take another pill
Yeah, I bet you you will. You rap about it, yeah, word, k-keep it real
I hear applause, all this time I couldn't see
How could it be, that the curtain is closing on me
I turn around, find a gun on the ground, cock it
Put it to my brain and scream "die Shady" and pop it
The sky darkens, my life flashes, the plane that I was supposed to be on crashes and burns to ashes
That's when I wake up, alarm clock's ringin', there's birds singin'
It's Spring and Hailie's outside swinging, I walk right up to Kim and kiss her
Tell her I miss her, Hailie just smiles and winks at her little sister
Almost as if to say..

[Chorus/Outro]
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel my pain
Just smile back
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel my pain
Just smile back...

[Curtains closing and sounds of footsteps]

Television

1. "How I Met Your Mother"

2. "Two and a Half Men"

3. "Meet The Barkers"

4. "One Tree Hill"

5. "Veronica Mars"

6. "That 70's Show"

7. "The OC"

8. "ER"

A New Year

2006-01-03T00:27:17Z

Hello my friends and welcome to 2006. I officially loved this past Christmas. If you didn't know already I got a used 2005 Dodge Neon. I GOT A FUCKING CAR FOR CHRISTMAS. How wild is that?! Let me tell you it's pretty damn wild. I also got an iPOD boom box thing where I can plug in my iPOD and listen to it with out head phones. It's pretty sweet. I also went to Evansville Indiana last Thursday. I got to see my dads family and it was awesome. We stayed at the Casino Aztar on the Ohio River and visited my dad's old haunts. I saw my aunt Annette. Who is now married. To a mean fat lady. Her name is Pam and she's blonde and humungous. I mean I know that I'm not the smallest person in the world but Pam is about three times as big as me. I just get this weird vibe from her. Anyway my aunt was a brunette with a little frost of gray in there but now she's growing her unruly curly hair out and she died it blonde. BLONDE! That's not natural. Alot of people ask when I tell them that my aunt is gay if it's weird. It's really not all that weird. The only weird thing is that my aunt didn't tell anyone that she was getting married. Well she did but she didn't say when. And she didn't let her family come because she didn't want the cousins (I have alot of them) to see her kiss a chick. Okay I wanted to go. I thought it would be cool to see a lesbian wedding. I really thought it would be awesome. But no I don't get a choice. Anyway I saw my Uncle Joe and his wife Carol and Aunt Carol lost like a whole backstreet boy. It's amazing. Oh and Aunt Carol's son Brian had a kid. She's a grandmother at 39. I also got to see my Aunt Jamie who is more like my dad then anyone in his family and they only share a mother. My aunt Jamie has a fiance, Scott, who isn't who I expected but he's really cool. I got to see my cousin Gus (Aunt Jamie's son, he's my age), and his friend Zeb. Gus has been through a lot this past year. Drugs, drinking, jail, you know the usual. But supposedly he's doing good now. I hope. I didn't get to see my cousin Diana (aunt Jamie's daughter, she's 18) until breakfast the last day that we were there. She's awesome. Me and her were like little twins when we were littler. We were inseperable. She's supposed to come for spring break this year. I can't wait to show her off to all of my friends. I didn't get to see my Aunt Debbie because (get this) if she came out to the Casino she would have to drive back home to find her way back to work. The casino is in Evansville. She works in Evansville. Evansville is about the size of Elgin. It's not that big. Oh yeah and she's a stripper. She's 52. I also went out to Boonville Indiana to visit my uncle Ray, his wife Wanda, and my cousins, Danny and Wanda Lee. I haven't seen Wanda Lee since our grandmother died five years ago. She has grown up so much and she's a lot more like me then I thought. She's adorable, I love that kid. LOVE YOU WANDA LEE! I didn't get to see my Uncle Gary and his wife Stacy and thier five kids because apparently an hour is too far to drive to see his brother. I just realized that this may be confusing to some of you so I'm going to give you a short family tree to make it easier on you.

Grandma: Lena Irene My Grandpa:Fred
Children: Linda (died)
Ray (married Wanda, had Danny Ray and Wanda Lee [Also some other kids out there and another wife])
Stan (My dad, married Jackie, my mom, had me and Taylor)
Debbie (Married some guy who died and had Micheal)
Annette (Married Pam, Pam has two kids)
Second Husband: Jim Winner
Jamie (Married Bruce, who died when I was six or seven, had Diana and Gus)
Gary (Married Stacy, had Dustin, Hailey, Bailey, Hunter and Ashton)
Joe (Married Carol, Carol had Brian from a previous marriage. [ Joe has some other kids out there some where, but no other wife.])

As you can see my family is highly disfunctional. I personally love it and find it histerical. I also came up with a great resolution for this year. No regrets. None. I promise. Even if I don't like something I did. I can't regret it. I won't. I refuse. Happy New Year everybody!

Christmas Woes

2005-12-10T21:03:11Z

Alright christmas has made its way into our hearts, homes, and finally into our malls. Now I officially hate christmas shopping. Thank god I'm a loner and don't have many friends that expect presents from me. Right now I'm at my mom's friend Gwen's house typing this on her laptop, which by the way I want, looking around at her condo. Which to give you a visual looks like Christmas threw up. There's christmas stuff everywhere. It's christmas insanity. Anyway I'm sitting here waiting for my mom to finish her wine and finish painting Gwen's nails so I can go and get the remainder of my presents.

Now to bring the year of the online journal full circle, I still really don't like christmas. I like the getting of the presents and seeing the look on your friends faces when you give them exactly what they've been wanting for. But lately I haven't been very Caitie Krinkle-y. I've been more Caitie Grinch-y.I've also been really stressed lately and I know its all because of xmas and what comes along with it. And I'm just exhausted. Mentally and physically. Just tired.

The Christmas season sucks. It's the only season where people think about what other people need. I find it morbid and so very selfish. But I don't dare bring this up because I get alot of people telling me how great xmas is and I jsut really don't want to listen. So call me the grinch. Call me a mean spirited bitch, I really don't care. I'm just tired of not caring or caring too much and it just gets annoying.

But on January 4th I have to go to talent show try outs and I still don't know what song to do so if you have any suggestions that would be great. If you don't know what I sound like, I think its a mix between old time jazz and "an old black lady" (Mom.) and kinda soul-y. Thanx and Merry Xmas (I guess).

A Literary Fuck You

2005-11-21T04:27:51Z

On my last update I talked about "Sammo" (btw, sorry to hear about your grandfather) and how he crushed my world. He told me at least I'm not blind, at least I'm not deaf. Well at least you don't have a drug addicted father, a mother who doesn't even blink an eye, a brother who tells people that he doesn't even know you, and a 'best friend' that says that she has too many obligations to hang out with you. So Sam, fuck you and all your new-age ska bullshit. You wanna know what I really wanted out of you? FWB. Maybe not even the FW part. Just the benefits. At least thats all I want now.

Fuck You List:

1. Fuck you dad. "I mean let's face it Cait, you're never gonna move out." That's what he actually said to me today. What a fucking dick head. I can't believe you came home the other night completely blown. You wanna keep me clean? Try keeping your self clean. You think I'm such a disappointment? I'll show you disappointment.

2. Fuck you mom. You wanna protect your family. Quit drinking like a fucking alcoholic and take care of your fucked up husband.

3. Fuck you Monica. I call you and spill my guts to you because I had no one else to talk to and you tell me that you have too many other obligations to be my friend? You know, sometimes I can't believe how right you are, and how stupid you can be. I'm sick of you coming to me when you need something. And when I ask you for something you have too many oblications. Well, fuck you and your ass hole of a boyfriend.

4. Fuck you Josh. You were supposed to protect me. You were supposed to be my "big-bro". All you want is what you can gain out of it. Fuck you.

5. Fuck you Chris. At the moment I hate you. Do you really think people like you the way you act? Even April talks about you behind your back. And to think I used to defend you to people and you can't even show me a hint of gratitude. You know, you used to show me a side of your self that was actually half way decient. But now I can't stand to be near you.

6. Fuck you Matt. You wanna protect me? Then take a fucking look around. Rosie isn't gonna be there forever. I'm going to be there, Rachel is going to be there. Open up your fucking eyes and quit being such a dushe. You wanna be a friend to me? Ask me how I'm fucking doing, and maybe I'll tell you how I'm afraid to drive by myself because I just might cross over to the other lane and kill myself.

7. Fuck you Vania, for thinking that this game that your playing would actually fool me. Good try. You may have gotten everyone else but I'm not fooled. Your still the fucking manipulative bitch that got mad at me because Ashton snagged Mattie up. Get the fuck over it.

8. Fuck you Caitlin. That's right me. Fuck my life. Fuck my family. Fuck every screwed up thing that I've done in the last year. Taylor isn't the only one ashamed of me. I am too. I hate myself. I hate everything that I've done because no matter what, to some one else its just not good enough.

Any one have a problem with that, leave me a message, maybe just maybe I'll retaliate.

The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants

2005-11-04T02:22:13Z

The heart wants what the heart wants and I don't think that there's a logically reason for that either. As you know for the past year I've liked this guy. I mean he wasn't just a guy, he was the one guy that I had known for my whole life and hasn't run away screaming. Or atleast I don't think he has. That is until tonight. I finally opened myself up to all of the things that I have been mulling around in my head forever, and I was shot down.

I had created this little world inside my head and now its got this crack in it.

And I feel like a complete idiot for letting him lead me on and I hate him because he could care less. But the pathetic part is that I don't hate him. And I almost hope that he'll talk to me when I see him on Saturday and I hope for a lot of things. I hope that he didn't mean half the stuff he said. And I hope that this isn't it.

But thats just it. Hope.

Must Come to an End.../ Updation!

2005-10-10T00:31:31Z

Must come to an end...:
In my last entry I wrote about my friend Jeff who was dying. Well on September 25 2005 he passed away. The wake was that following Wednesday and the funeral was that Thursday. It was really sad and I cried alot but he's in a better place now.

Updation:
So on Friday the 30th was the homecoming assemble. And I don't know why but I like that assemble the best out of all the other assembles. So that was cool. The uncool part about that day was that I got grounded for not cleaning my room. Which by the way was uber gay. Although on Sunday me and Taylor went to go see the movie 'Into the Blue' and may I say Paul Walker is beyond HOT. The movie kinda sucked but I got to see Paul Walker shirtless multiple times. So I was a happy camper.

Then Wednesday was my new obsession. I am obsessed with the show Veronica Mars. It is absolutely brillant. I have no other words for it.

On Thursday I picked Ashton up from work and she slept over which was nice because I hadn't seen her alot lately unless were in the school setting and even then she's rushing off to do something. But it was nice to spend some quality time with her. Although I was kinda a bitch and for some reason I couldn't stop. It was like an on going bitch-a-thon. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

I know that I haven't gotten my period since like July. Which is not good. NO! I'M NOT PREGNANT! Am I that much of a whore that people have to ask that question over and over. Any way I set up a doctor's appointment to find out whats going on down south in two weeks.

Today was kinda cool. My friend Corey Baer has been training since the middle of the summer for the LaSalle Bank marathon and today was the day of truth. Me, mom and Gwen went down town to watch him. We went to his, Jessi (his g/f) and his brother Jeb's appartment first and then we went down to ChinaTown. Which I absolutely loved. After we saw Corey run past us we took a cab up to the finish line to beat him there. We saw him a mile before the finish line and then me, mom and Gwen booked in to the Christopher Columbus statue while Jeb and Jessi went to go find Corey. Turns out it was a mad house (big surprise) and Jeb and Jessi couldn't find Corey. So we all sat on the memorial and waited. Then, (Caution: Overly dramatic writing ahead) limping up the large hill we saw a black beanie bouncing. It was then we new it was Corey. The 26 mile runner. We got in order of the letters we wrote in ChinaTown. It was his name, I don't know I read that back to myself and it just didn't make since. And we cheered for the champ who ran 26 miles in under 4 hours. Then we went back to his appartment and he took a hot bath, and once he was done we went to Unos for some pizza. It was good. Not Lou's but it was good.

And on the way home mom and Gwen had a 'who's the better flicker offer' contest with this guy that Gwen had been "racing" to get in front of because his lane was merging. The guy was a dick head. I refused to participate and now that I think about it I don't know why the hell I didn't.

Oh well that was my weekend, and I've still got a whole other day to go!

All Good Things...

2005-09-11T23:34:27Z

Jeff Daniels has been a family friend since before I can remember. His mom Patti is best friends with my mom. Jeff was got a brain tumor when he was three. They told him that he probably wouldn't live six months. Jeff has surpassed that by some twenty odd years. Although he's been in hospitals most of his life and he's mostly paralized from the neck down he has definately surprised all of us in all that he's come through.

Why am I telling you all of this? Well, Jeff is dying. The doctors said that he's actually drowning in his own food. His organs haven't shut down yet but that could take days or weeks. Jeff is the only one that is so close to my age that I'm going to lose. Everyone of his surgeries I was there out in the waiting room, waiting for them to finish. I remember countless times of when he would be there and then he wasn't. He's been out of it for an extremely long time. I'm just scared that this time. This funeral. Is going to hurt.

Sad to say, but it is time for Jeff to go. He has been through so much pain. And visiting him today in the hospital and watching him lie there with out being able to move or speak or even blink was just painful enough. I'm going to miss him, but as they say, all good things must come to an end.

So Far...

2005-09-10T03:47:01Z

I know I haven't updated in a while but I've had alot on my plate. Not that any one has noticed. Let's see, the last time I updated it was Saturday, August 27th. That day Taylor had his first football game vs. Glenbard North and they won.

August 28th was Dad's birthday and we went to the movies to see something that I really can't remember but Danny had come over Saturday night and stayed until Sunday night when we took him home.

Monday was Arianna's birthday. I'm so amazed at how far she's gotten in life. Sure she's only three but she is simply a miracle. If you don't know Arianna is my goddaughter, and she was born four months premature. She was less a foot long and less then one pound. Four of her fingers could fit on my index finger nail. It was highly doubtfully that she would like a couple of weeks, but she has been strong for three years. Although she is just now making complete sentences, she's making such progress. But I didn't get to see her because her mother, my cousin, the person that I used to look up to, is still mad at me for telling my mom that she thought mom was racist towards her (my cousins Equdorian), and by the way that's complete bull shit.

That following Saturday, (September 3)Taylor had another game against... someone but I know that they won. I also applied for a job at Claire's at Charleston Mall. The manager said that she would call me on Tuesday.

On the fourth Monica slept over so she could sleep and not be disturbed. But I made her sleep on an aero-bed so I don't know how rested she actually was.

On Monday Me, her and Zak went to the mall to look for formal shirts for him for homecoming. We found one that was way to expensive so we put it on hold and then we went casual shopping, and I'm impressed that after a few of my technique's (spelling?) Zak actually looked good in a gray thermal long sleeve shirt and a cordorouy (again, spelling?) jacket. Bravo me.

Tuesday I took mom to work so I had the car and drove Ashton and Taylor to school even though I didn't have one of those stupid little parking stickers. I thought that if I put a sign on the window that I was going to get the sticker that day that it would be alright. Well anyway around fifth period I started to actually feel that cold that I had and went home after during sixth only to find a ten dollar ticket on my driver side window. As if that day couldn't get any more hectic. But surprisingly mom was okay with the ticket. No word from the Claire's lady.

On Wednesday, my new favorite TV day, I watched my new favorite show, Veronica Mars. I love it. I don't know why but I do. No word from the Claire's lady.

Yesterday Taylor had another game against Nequa Valley and they won. The freshman 'A' team is still undefeated, and they are the only freshman team to get so far with out losing yet. That's pretty neat. No word from the Claire's lady... I think I'm starting to see a patern.

This morning I wrote in my planner to go to the Rwanda Relief Group in the morning before school but I just didn't have the energy. I finally got that stupid parking sticker today and I still haven't payed my ticket! Why, you ask? Because apparently you need to bring the ticket with you to pay it and I could swear that the lady in the Treasurers Office has a brain disfunction, or she's just really bitchy. Oh, and amazingly the Claire's lady did not call today. I really wanted that job too. Any way I met a really great guy today. He's sweet, and charming and gives me lots of compliments. The only flaw. He lives in California, and I live in Illinios. Why are the good ones so far away...?

In Love

2005-08-28T04:41:38Z

So lately I've been surrounded completely around love. It's almost sickening. Now if you've known me long enough you'd know that I am definately a hopeless romantic. So when I meet a guy and begin to like them I often day dream about being in a relationship or interacting in some sexual way with them. It's usually the second part though. But strangely enough I haven't been thinking about that. Even though being around Ashton and Steve, Monica and Zak and even Danny and Dalara (sorry if I spelled that wrong) it seems like the most logical step in my thinking is to start thinking about my own situation. Which to be honest I think about it alot and I begin to over analyze it so I force my self to stop. I honestly don't know what to think anymore though. I keep going around and around and I don't know what to do. I try to pick up sutle hints from him but I'm not that smart and he's really good. At being sutle that is.... and other things. I mean I really like him. (Especially when he bites my lip but thats off subject) I just don't know where I stand with him.

But I've learned that I don't want a boyfriend. Not really. I mean I don't want the title but I want the stuff that goes with it. You know? Friends with benefits kinda thing. The reason why: I tend to screw up relationships. I mean I want to be "in love" and I rush it or I get scared completely shitless and some how fuck it up or my personal favorite I get completely screwed over by the guy. It's a vicious cycle. I would rather have an FWB, because then I wouldn't get hurt.

Alot of people say "Let's just be FWB's, you know, no strings attached." But some how strings just magically appear and some one always ends up pissed or crying. I don't want that. I want all the good stuff. I want someone I can call baby and who will call me baby back.

Now, if guys knew how easy it was to get a girl to like them. It would be amazing. When a guy calls me 'baby' or 'doll' or any type of endearment nickname thing, I instintly melt inside. It's like clock work.

The whole point of this update is because I'm majorly confused. I don't know what to do about my situation. I mean I really like this guy and I've known him for practically ever. He's sweet, smart, cute, and funny. He's the whole freaking package! And I don't know what the fuck to do about it. Damn, my hormones and emotions. Damn them to hell.

All I really want is to belong to someone. That's all any girl really wants.

Back - 2 - School

2005-08-22T03:02:06Z

In two whole days I will be back in the hell-hole that this poedunk town likes to call Bartlett High School. Today confirmed it. I went to walmart, and bought all my supplies, although I do love my new notebooks. I'm a writer. I'm a sucker for fresh college rule loose leaf paper. So as if "back-to-school" clothes shopping wasn't enough to sink me into the pitiful dispair of the end-of-summer-itis (although i got three really cute pair of shoes [I'm also a sucker for shoes]) I had to go to walmart with the whole family. And the walmart on Barrington Road is like going to a third world country. It's weird.

So as boredom provailed yesterday I went to FireHotQuotes.com (which I'm convinced is run by rufee drugged cheerleaders, preppy bitches) I actually found some good quotes:

Away messages (that you just might catch me using):

Don't even think of typing to me...
If you go away I just might come back.
Playing Hide N' Seek with blind kids.
Letting my anger out of its cage, again
You know the drill.
Late night TV is educational. It teaches you that you should have gone to bed earlier.
Life is all about ass. You're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it or behaving like one.
My parents taught me the circle of life from an early age: "I brought you into this world and I can take you out!"
You never suspect the stupid ones.
Jesus is coming! Look busy!
Sometimes I wish people would just buy a clue.
I dream of a better tomorrow where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned.

Some handy advice:

Attitude is knowing you have one, liking it, and not caring what anybody else thinks.
Don't cut me off and then drive like it's Sunday.
Join the dark side... We have cookies.
Drive it like you stole it.

Just for the girls:

A woman has to work twice as hard as a man to be considered half as good. Luckily, it's not that hard.
Sometimes you have to dig a little deeper to find the perfect shoe.
I swear its the irish in me.
When I'm good, I'm very good, but when I'm bad, I'm even better.

Movie Quotes:

"You just witnessed a totally original moment." - Garden State
"Are you stalking me?! Because that would be fantastic!" - Van Wilder
"You are a sad, strange little man, and you have my pity." - Toy Story
"What we have here is a failure to communicate." - Cool Hand Luke
"Who throws a cupcake? Honestly?" - Austin Powers

Alright thats all for me.

Dirty Little Secret

2005-08-19T03:55:16Z

I have a theory: the reason(s) you like the songs you listen to is because for some reason you relate to them. I was watching MTV the other day and I came across an All American Rejects video. Now I am partial to the "bubble-gum pop punk", I guess you could call it that, so I sat and watched the video, intently listening to the song. The song you ask, was My Dirty Little Secret. And as I stated in my theory, I related to the song. Here are the lyrics:

"Dirty Little Secret"

Let me know that I've done wrong
When I've known this all along
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you

Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret

Who has to know
When we live such fragile lives
It's the best way we survive
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you

Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret

Who has to know
The way she feels inside (inside)
Those thoughts I can't deny (deny)
These sleeping dogs won't lie (won't lie)
And all I've tried to hide
It’s eating me apart
Trace this line back

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret)

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret
Dirty little secret
Dirty little secret

Who has to know
Who has to know

If you know me at all you can pretty much sum it all up.

Second on the Journal Agenda: I have found this site that has just plan pictures on it of models on it and it is perfect for making backgrounds. So, I've been making backgrounds. If you want to see them leave me a message with your email and I'll just email them to you because I can't figure out how to get them on this thingie. So, yeah.

Third on the Journal Agenda: Danny and Jake came over this weekend and hung out. They came with me to registration too. Oh!

My Schedule:

period class teacher

English rutherfo.... (they didn't write all of it)
Algebra 3-4 henk
Marketing Ed. Witthuhn..... (I don't even know if thats all of it or not)
Accounting Meaney
Lunch
Spanish Miller
Physics O' Connell
US history Weiss

There you go bitches. My schedule, tell me if you have a class with me. It would be tight man.

Who ever said size doesn't matter, LIED!!

2005-08-11T20:43:38Z

So I have come up with a very great theory. Size matters. I mean think about it:

Food:

If you get an grande coffe, its better then the small (what ever they call it at Starbucks, I don't remember because I never get one) and if you get a venti, its even more fun! Take fries for instance. You get a medium its like ten times better then the small and a large is like fry heaven. Not even to mention the like extra jumbo grande fry, which will probably clog your arteries and kill you right there. Then there's burgers. Theres the regular burger and then there's the double, triple and then quadrupal burger. More meat, less cows. Then there's chip bags. Now we all know that you can never have enough cheetos, but when you go to the quicky mart or where ever the fuck you go to get your little snack pack shit, you pick up the small bag because, well your a cheap-o, and then you get in your car and you open up the bag and theres like 7 cheetos in there. Its like WHAT THE FUCK! You have to get the Jumbo bag just to get a whole filling up on damn cheetos. And cheetos are small, i'm not even talking about doritos where theres like three in one bag. Bastards.

Clothing:

Now in this day and age being anerexic is some how sexy. So if you wear a small, your getting some ass no matter what, if you wear a medium you got less chance of getting ass because there's someone smaller then you. Now if you wear a large or anything bigger then that, you better be easy because your going home alone tonight! How do I know all this size shit. Well because I am overly round. So kiss my big white ass.

School:

Alright, since its that back to school time, I might as well mention this. If you're writing a term paper and it's like only two pages your getting like a C no matter what it's on or how good it is. If it's three or four pages, you're getting a B, and if your paper is five or more pages you need a fucking life, you over achieving bastard. Now, if you have a back pack thats too small, you should have just stayed home, you can't fit anything in that shit. For high school you need like a fucking U-Haul to follow you around. But just incase any losers are reading this shit, don't get a back pack with wheels and take it to school. Only extremely fat people or people who fuck their siblings use that shit. Save that thing for the airport. Money: This one's simple, the more money you have, the better you are. Now I'm not saying that poor people suck, because I'm poor. I'm saying that if you got money in your wallet right now, and i'm not talking about quarters, you are going to have more stuff, and more stuff means more friends. I know it sounds shallow but get over it. Thats how people are. And for some reason the crappier your job is that you get this money from the cooler you are. Its like if you put up with enough people via drive throw window, you are the new mother theresa for not bringing an ak40 to work.

And finally (mostly because I can't think of any more shit), Body parts:

Boobs:

For some reason the bigger your knockers the more male friends you have and the more flat chested girls want to kick your ass after school for taking away their boyfriends attention. It's like clock work. You wear a low cut shirt and then your making out in a closet somewhere. Now my boobs aren't the biggest things in the world but Ashton's got like watermelons growing out of her chest. It's like she's having twins, in her boobs. So I know what its like to have my family members and crushes meet Ash and go HOLY SHIT YOU GOT BIG TITTIES. Just to let you guys know it's getting old and she knows. And I have to mention that uneven boobs are not fun, even though, MONICA, your boobs have cleavage be happy, some of us aren't that lucky. Namely, me.

Penis:

Alright boys here's where the shit hits the fan. The size of your dick actually does matter. If any girl has ever said to you, "It's not the size of the boat, it't the motion of the ocean," of something of those lines. She's lying! It does matter. Here's some information that I picked up from a very educational show called Sex and the City where I learned that the inside of a vagina is only 5 inches long. So if your dick is 5 inches or shorter, stop reading and just go kill your self now, it's useless. And girls if all he talks about is the girth of his penis, it's not worth it. If your 5 and a half inches to 7 inches, don't worry you just made it onto the rollar coaster, keep your hands and legs inside at all times. If you are 7 and a half or larger... leave me a message with your name and number and I will be sure to get back to you. *wink*wink* (I'm a capricorn and I like long walks on the beach....). But if you are larger then 9 or 10 inches, dude stop reading and call genius right now, they need to know about this!

Alright that's just one of my crazy theories. I'll try to make up some more. Oh, and by the way, LEAVE A DAMN COMMENT. I'M STARTING TO THINK I'M WRITING TO MYSELF! Kay, thanks ever so much.

Amazingly so...

2005-08-10T20:35:46Z

Okay, I've been awake for about four and a half hours and I still have found absolutely nothing to do. I mean, I had breakfast, and a snack, and I've watched Ms. Congeniality 2, which is not as good as the first one, and I've watched an episode of That 70's Show. I've read alittle today, but nothing is catching my interests. I could over analyze my life so that it drives me to the brink of insanity, or I could try and not think about 'HIM'. If that's possible... I've realized that maybe I should stop putting myself out there. It tends to make me look desperate or whorish, or my personal favorite I get hurt in the end. So from this point on I am no longer going to persue what I want, maybe if I just be myself it'll come to me. I'm tired of picking apart everything that is said, I just need a clear signal ( and a good night sleep but that's besides the point ). Even though that Cosmo quiz says I read boys pretty clearly. Too bad it wasn't about this boy... And I'm done for today.

JUST DO IT!

2005-08-09T22:44:01Z

Alright I know that I posted this today, but I want someone to reply! So here it is again.

1. Reply with your name and I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (maybe/maybe not).
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal

Quiz time!

2005-08-09T18:26:55Z

Since I have no job and a very little social life, I tend to be on my computer for the majority of the day. Majority meaning from the time I wake up to about the time I go to sleep. I know I'm pathetic, no need to rub it in. So to amuse my self I take online quizzes to learn more about me. So here are some of the results:

Your Musical Tastes Match: The Fab Five

See their whole playlist here (iTunes required)

What Celebrity Matches Your Taste in Music?

The sad part? I don't know who the Fab Five is...

Your Summer Ride is a Beetle Convertible

Fun, funky, and a little bit euro.
You love your summers to be full of style and sun!

What's Your Summer Ride?

Okay, I can see that.

Your Outrageous Name Is

Ivonna Ardon

Outrageous Name Generator

Your Kissing Purity Score: 40% Pure

You're not one to kiss and tell...

But word is, you kiss pretty well.

Kissing Purity Test

damn straight.

CAITLIN
C	is for	Cheerful
A	is for	Amazing
I	is for	Innocent
T	is for	Tolerant
L	is for	Logical
I	is for	Influential
N	is for	Nutty

What Does Your Name Mean?

huh.

Your Ideal Relationship is Casual Dating

Maybe you're looking for love...
But mostly you're looking for fun.
You could get serious with the right person.
For now, though, you're enjoying playing the field.

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

Part Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity
You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off
And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave
When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

Part Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is about all about following your urges
If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story
You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses
A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Your Deadly Sins

Lust: 80%

Pride: 80%

Sloth: 80%

Envy: 60%

Greed: 60%

Gluttony: 40%

Wrath: 40%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 63%

You'll die from overexertion. *wink*

How Sinful Are You?

Now, that I find hilarious.

And, children, I will leave you with the rejected crayon.

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

Alright!

2005-08-09T01:52:11Z

I know, I know it's been a really really long time since i updated so i figured I should. First I have to put this thing in here because I replied to my friends.

1. Reply with your name and I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (maybe/maybe not).
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal

Alright now that that's over with.

I feel that since it's technically a new year ( according to basically that last time I wrote in here ) I should update you on my sort-of-kinda life.

Last cigarette: i dont remember, but i know i was by myself...

Last car ride: Today

Last kiss: July 3rd

Last good cry: A couple of nights ago

Last library book checked out: book? or do cd's count too?

Last movie seen: The Devil's Rejects

Last book read: Harry Potter numero 6

Last cuss word uttered: fuck, when i ran over yet another mailbox

Last beverage drank: flavored water

Last food consumed: sasauge? okay so i can't spell, so sue me!

Last crush: can you really call it a crush?

Last phone call: Ashton

Last TV show watched: That 70's Show

Last time showered: This morning

Last shoes worn: berkenstocks

Last CD played: Garbage

Last item bought: starbucks coffee this morning

Last downloaded: uhh, like i remember

Last annoyance: my mom

Last disappointment: my brother

Last soda drank: pepsi

Last thing written: Uh... scroll up.

Last key used: car key

Last word spoken: sucks

Last sleep: last night

Last IM: wlk idiot wlk

Last sexual fantasy: i don't have fantasies, i have realities

Last weird encounter: i don't know

Last ice cream eaten: vanilla

Last time amused: reading a friends livejournal

Last time wanting to die: a couple nights ago

Last time in love: uh, i love my parents

Last time hugged: today when i dropped my friend krissy off

Last time scolded: today

Last time resentful: right now

Last chair sat in: blue crap ass computer chair

Last lipstick used: i dont wear lipstick

Last underwear worn: i have orange underwear on

Last bra worn: black sports bra, right now!

Last shirt worn: black tank top

Last time dancing: a while ago...

Last poster looked at: something on my "wall of fame"

Last show attended: i haven't been to a concert since i was in 6th grade

Last webpage visited: livejournal.com/update.bml

I hurt: my ankle. i tripped in my friends driveway

I love: my family and close friends

I hate: gross looking food

I fear: spiders

I hope: that things will work out

I feel: content

I hide: my feelings, alot

I drive: a pig (envoy) and the death trap (Ford F150 pick up truck)

I miss: him

I learned: that when you back up you should always look behind you for mailboxes

I need: someone to love me for all my faults

I think: that anythings possible

Current clothes: tank top, and capris

Current mood: tired but content

Current music: the wonderful sound of my parents arguing and my brother reading over my shoulder!

Current taste: ketchup

Current hair: Curly and down.

Current annoyance: my brother telling me what to type

Current smell: my brother's dirty ass!

Current thing I should be doing: letting my brother finish his "homework", but i won't

Current desktop picture: some background that i made.

Current refreshment: saliva

Current worry: that i'm letting things slip away

What do you most like about your body?: my eyes

And least?: i have you...

How many fillings do you have?: one

Do you think you're good looking?: somedays

Do other people often tell you that you're good looking?: sure

Do you look like any celebrities?: not that i know of..

alright kiddies, one more. Stay with me now!

001) What time are you starting this? 8:15 PM
002) What is your name? Caitlin
003) Date of birth: January 8th
004) Sex: female
005) Height: 5'6"
006) Eye color: green, brown, gold
007) Weight: I'm not telling you
008) Location: my house
009) Where were you born? Hoffman Estates, Illinios
010) Have you ever failed a grade? no
011) If you have, what grade did you fail? n/a
012) Do you have crush on someone? oh yeah
013) Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? no
014) If so, what is his/her name? n/a
015) How long have you been together? okay asshole... i get it.
016) What are you wearing right now? tank top, capri's
017) Would you have sex before marriage? yes
018) Have you ever had a crush on any of your teachers? if it had to be one i think it would be mr. J. in some strange way. don't ask.
019) Are you a virgin? no
020) Do you smoke? yes
021) Do you drink? yes
022) Are you ghetto? i live in the suburbs, you figure it out.
023) Are you a player? if i try hard enough
024) What are your favorite colors? kelly green
025) What is your favorite animal? tiger
026) Do you have any birthmarks? yes
027) Have you ever gotten your ass kicked? no
028) Who are your best friends? Ashton Sleva, Danny Espana (believe it or not), and Monica Becker
029) Who do you talk to most on the phone? probably my mom
031) Have you ever been slapped? yes
032) Do you get online a lot? yes
033) Are you shy or outgoing? outgoing
034) Do you shower? every morning
035) Do you hate school? it's summer, i don't have to think
036) Do you have a social life? yes
037) How easily do you trust people? no
038) Have you ever lied to your best friends? yes
039) Do you have a secret people would be surprised to know about you? uh, no all my friends know that i'm strange.
040) Would you ever sky dive? yes
041) Do you like to dance? yes sire
068) Have you ever been out of state? yes
069) Do you like to travel? yes
070) Have you ever been expelled from school? no
071) Have you ever been suspended from school? no
071) Do you want to get out of your hometown? not really, but i love chicago
072) Are you spoiled? probably
073) Are you a brat? at one point i was
074) Have you ever been dumped? yes
075) Have you ever gotten high? yes
076) What's your favorite drink? sprite
077) Do you like Snapple? sure
078) Do you drink a lot of water? no
079) What toothpaste do you use? cologate
080) Do you have a cell phone or pager? cell
081) Do you have a curfew? according to state of illinois
082) Who do you look up to? ashton
083) Are you a role model? no
085) What name brand do you wear the most? none
086) What kind of jewelry do you wear? earring in my cartolidge
087) What do you have pierced? cartalidge
088) What do you want pierced? my toungue
089) Do you like taking pictures? yes. no
090) Do you like getting your picture taken? no, it depends if i'm cute or not
091) Do you have a tan? no i burn
092) Do you get annoyed easily? yes
093) Have you ever started a rumor? not that i know of.
094) Do you have your own phone/phone line? no
095) Do you have your own pool? yes
096) Do you have any siblings? a little brother
097) Do you prefer boxers or briefs? uh, do girls wear those
098) Have you ever been played? yes
099) Have you ever played anyone? sure
100) Do you get along with your parents? my mom is my homie
102) How do you vent your anger? i yell
103) Have you ever run away? yeah i guess
104) Have you ever been fired from a job? no
105) Do you even have a job? no
106) Do you daydream a lot? yes
107) Do you have a lot of exes? i plead the fifth.
108) Do you run your mouth? i'm very oppinionated
109) What do you want a tattoo of? my zodiac sign and a shamrock
110) What do you have a tattoo of? nothing
111) What are your favorite flowers? daisies
112) What does your ex look like? again i plead the fifth
113) What does your most recent crush look like? i don't really call it a crush, i call it friends with benifits, i guess
114) Have you ever been bitched out? yeah
115) When was the last time you bitched someone out? a few weeks ago
116) Are you rude? yes
117) What was the last great compliment you received? "boy was that full of thanks" i consider that a compliment whether it was meant to be or not.
118) Do you like getting dirty? yes
119) Is your bellybutton an innie or outie? innie
120) Are you flexible? i don't know... probably
121) What is your heritage? irish, american indian, french, english, and a little german
122) What is your lucky number? 8
123) What does your hair look like right now? shoulder length dark brown hair
124) Could you ever be a vegetarian? no, i need my meat
125) When was your last real heartbreak? alex
126) Describe your looks? 5'6" round around the edges, brown hair, straight or curly, red tint, fair skin, distinctive green eyes.
127) If you had to completely dye your hair one color, what color would it be? almost black brown
128) Would you ever date someone younger than you? been there
129) Would you ever date someone older than you? done that
130) When was the last time you were drunk? uhm, i don't remember
131) When was the last time you went on a date? i don't think i can call it a date when it's a nationally holiday and we kinda locked ourselves in the bathroom
132) Would you rather give or receive oral sex? i don't really care
133) Have you ever given? yes
134) Have you ever received? sadly no
135) Have you ever had an eating disorder? nope
136) Do you have one now? no
137) How many rings until you answer the phone? one or two
138) Have you ever been skinny dipping? yep
139) If yes, when was the last time? this summer
140) Do you look more like your mother or father? mom but i have my dad's facial expressions
141) Do you cry a lot? on a scale from one to ten i think i cry a 7
142) Do you ever cry to get your way? no
143) If you had to amputate one limb, what would it be? my left leg, above my knee
144) What's your favorite phrase? you're such a tool
145) Are you the romantic type? hopelessly so
146) Have you ever been chased by cops? no
147) What do you like most about your body? my eyes
148) What do you like least about your body? my fatness
150) When was the last time you threw up? when i had a migrane
151) In the opposite sex, do you prefer blondes or brunettes? brunettes
152) What do the shoes you last wore look like? berkenstocks
153) Do you ever wear shirts to show your belly? no
154) What about cleavage? yes, but sadly i don't have much cleavage
155) Is your best friend a virgin? no, no, yes
156) Have you ever fucked someone up? mentally, yes, physically, i can't, i'm not that strong
157) Have you ever been fucked up? mentally.
158) What color are your underwear right now? orange
159) What theme does your room have? surfing
160) What size shoe do you wear? 9-10
161) What jewelry are you wearing now? earring
162) What is your screen name on AIM? TOOmuchMOXIE4ya
163) Would you pick a wedgie in public? have done
164) How are you feeling right now? tired. and possibly annoyed
165) When was the last time you were at a party? at danny's house
166) Have you ever given a lap dance? yeah...
167) What do you sleep in? a t-shirt and underwear
168) Has there ever been a rumor spread about you? supposedly i'm a bitch
169) What is one of your bad qualities? i can be a bitch
170) What is one of your good qualities? i can be really humorous when i want to be
171) Would you marry for money? depends on how much...
172) What do you drive? a pig and a death trap
173) Have you ever given or received road head? no
174) Are you more of a mama or daddy's child? mom
175) What does your username mean? it means i'm from bartlett and moxie means courage
176) What's your favorite journal to read? sammo's
177) When was the last time you cried in school? uh, like last year.
178) Do you wear Chucks? no
179) For two million dollars, would you pose for Playboy? hell yes
180) What time are you finishing this? 8:49 PM

There you go kiddies, that is, for the most part, me!

The Long Wait

2005-04-13T21:46:18Z

I'm sorry it's taken so long, but hey sometimes I do actually have a life. The last time I updated I was at Mo's house for New years eve. Lets take a recap and go over the last few months.

January: On the 8th of January was my birthday. I got a jacket and money. I took Ashton to Dave and Busters to celebrate, she won me a big dragon. After dinner we went to go to the car and she climbed in the wrong one. It was really funny. I still laugh about it.

Feburary: I went to the turn about dance with my friend Danny and had a lot of fun. We were supposed to go places afterword but we were both wiped.

March: ....... March is kind of a boring month........

And now we come to April which if you don't live under a rock or go to school ( you lucky devil you ) you would know. Nothing has happened yet in April so yea theres my update. You know i take back the thing that I said about having a life.

Auld Lagn Syne

2005-01-01T04:49:28Z

So it's new years eve and i thought that i really needed to update. So hear it is my update:

I've been thinking. Every year your supposed to make a resolution, well at least it's tradition. You know like losing ten pounds and then gaining the same ten pounds by Christmas. And every year I do just that. But to me this year is different. With every thing that has happened to me this year maybe a resolution isn't such a good thing. But i'm going to make one any way. So here goes. My New Year's resolution is to not forget. Not to forget the important things in my life. Not to get so wrapped up in everything thats going on around me and remember whats really real. To remember those people in my life that matter. To remember whats important to me and not everyone else. And I ask you to do the same. Happy New Year everyone.

The Reason Why

2004-12-09T04:01:57Z

At this very moment I have just returned from my therepy session. And I have figured out the reason why. During the course of my week or at least every other week, I have an uncontrollable episode. And I have finally figured out what actually goes through my head as I have this episode.

I have a certain amount of "good things" that I think about myself to make me feel good, and let's say, just for the sake of visuals, that it's a teddy bear. When I have an episode every bad thing that I've ever heard or ever said about myself wraps around this bear and strangles the life out of it. Some how in the middle of my episode I grab on to a peice of that bear but then something else takes my attention and the bear gets strangled again.

I am amazed at my discovery. I'm proud.

Him cont. / Christmas Cons

2004-12-06T02:23:43Z

Well this will be the conclusion of the mysterious feelings "he" had. It was a fling. And i always get caught thinking that these things are more then they are. Two horny, hormone driven teenagers in a bathroom can't be anything more. At least not for me. I was told over and over not to get my hopes up. Not just by my friends and other supporter, but by myself as well. "He" told me directly and honestly that it was nothing and it wouldn't be happening again. I should have expected that. :: Sigh :: Oh well. Better Luck next time, right?

In happier news I have Dutifully finished my Christmas List. ( and for those who read this and want to get me something, could you tell me so I don't feel like a chump and don't get you anything. Thanx )

1. Viva La Bam Season 1 DVD....................... $19.88 ................................. Walmart
2. Blue Collar Comedy ............................ $11.88 ................................. Walmart
3. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of .............. $19.82 ................................. Walmart
Azkaban Pc game
4. "Vote For Pedro" Tee ( Large ) ................ $14.99 ................................. Bustedtee.com
5. Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 7 DVD ......... $38.88 ................................. Walmart
6. Barnes and Nobles Gift card ................... $??.?? ................................. Barnes and Nobles ( Duh? )
7. Best Buy Gift Card ............................ $??.?? ................................. Best Buy ( again, duh. )
* Money will also be accepted at any amount above five dollars, no credit cards and yes you may write a check, impossibly large teddy bears are also accepted as a substitute for currancy. *

Well as you know Christmas is upon us and it has got to be the most loved and most hated holiday that has ever lived. Why do I hate Christmas? Well I'll tell you. 1. I hate decorating the tree. It's just so remindful. It reminds you of all the people you've dissappointed over the years and of all the ordements you have to practically wrestle your brother to the ground to claim as yours. I mean what the hell do I have to do, pee on it to prove that it's mine? 2. People start decorating for X-mas in November. That just further pisses me off. It's not even Thanksgiving yet and you've already got ol' saint nick out. Do you think your gonna get extra brownie points for beating the freaking rest of the neighbor hood? I'm sorry but no. You don't get anypoints. You get minus 20 just for doing that. 3. If you've been reading this journal accordingly you know that i'm highly harsh on myself and others. Well you know when you go to your relitives house for the holidays and they say "Have you lost weight?" and in reality you've actually gained 20-30lbs. since you've seen them last, that means they just thought that you were ten times bigger then your actual body size. that happens alot to me. Now that i think about it. 4. The mass population of people chose now to be charitable. Why can't they be charitble all year round? Because the world is filled with selfish bastards thats why.

I will return later with the pros.

......

2004-11-28T22:04:44Z

I have no subject for this journal for one reason and one reason only. Him. He could read this and see how i've felt since i was probably 10. I don't know what to do any more. i loved kissing him too. I don't know what to do. He won't talk to me and i'm petrified to call him. i don't want to tell danny how i feel because its danny and i'm scared. I've always been scared. This guy that i like is my god parents nephew. and i've known him forever. and i'm not sure if what i did was wrong or not. i'm so confused. i want to be with him. i would have sex with him. but i think he just used me now. i don't know what to do.

Tell me who should I be to make you love me?
Tell me what does it mean to be alone?
Can't you see me standing staring out from the distance,
Hear my cry if you'd only listen...
Out of focus, into me and you

Kiss me fool, if you care
If your words have any meaning.
Playing it cool is so unfair
Why this veil of secrecy?
God forbid, your friends found out what we did
Why can't someone like you be someone like me?

Tell me who should I be to make you love me?
Tell me what does it mean to be alone?
Can't you see me standing staring out from the distance,
Hear my cry if you'd only listen...
Out of focus, into me and you

Touch me fool, if your allowed.
I'll be dancing in the corner
It's so cruel to play it proud, take your hands and cover me.
I'm aware that all in love is fair, but that's no reason to make me feel this way.

Tell me who should I be to make you love me?
Tell me what does it mean to be alone?
Can't you see me standing staring out from the distance,
Hear my cry if you'd only listen...
Out of focus, into me and you

And it hurts me so bad to deny it, oooh
These feelings are out of control.
Do you know what it's like to want something so bad...
And then having to let it go?
And it hurts me to know that this time in our lives...
So soon will be in the past
And you spend it pretending your playing it cool.
Never knowing,
Never knowing,
Never knowing what,
Never knowing what we should've been.

Tell me who should I be to make you love me?
Tell me what does it mean to be alone?
You've got me wondering if I'm good enough.
Pretty enough, giving enough, special enough

Tell me who should I be to make you love me?
Who should I be? Who should I be? Ooooh...
To make you love me?
Who should I be? Who should I be? Ooooh...
To make you love me?
Who should I be? Who should I be? Ooooh...
To make you love me.........?

The Crumbling Wall cont.

2004-11-25T00:43:56Z

I think that I have to explain something. I have manic depression in other words I'm bipolar. And you lucky ones that have had health class understand that my particular disease is critical and can possibly be fatal. When my days are bad or I have a bad moment, it is at least one hundred times harder to get through then the average person. Vise versa when I'm in a good mood. Those who know me know that on occasion I don't know when to shut the hell up. Which I will admit to that. But recent events have me in the worse state of mind. You can not just "get over" bipolar disease. It is a disease. Which means that it is a critical condition and deserves to be treated as such. I understand that there are a whole bunch of people out there that really and truly care about me. I do understand that. It's just that I am not a normal person with normal feelings. Mine are projected ten times greater. And those that know me well enough, they know that I no longer hide my feeling because of past events.

As people we all need to know that people care about us. It's a natural need. I need that a lot. I'm not sure of my self most of the time. I barely know any good qualities about my self. One person once told me that I amazed them. I didn't understand if that was good or bad at the time. I understand now. I am amazing. I may not admit it that much. But I am. That person that told me that was the one person that I thought was my equal. My better have. I was right. Then. Now I have come to realize that we are no longer the people we once were. I have changed, and so has she. We've both grown up to be very different people. And yesterday when she told me that she was done with me. I cried. Not because I was sad. Don't get me wrong I was. But that was when I realized we couldn't be as close as we once were. It's impossible right now.

Now I have to tell you that I'm semi freakish. So when I show you this song I'm going to translate it in parenthasis so you know what the hell I'm talking about.

You've been gone so long all that you know
has been shuffled aside as you bask in the glow
of the beautiful strangers who whisper your name
do they fill up the emptiness? ( Ok what this whole verse is saying is that I have been fooling myself to not beleive that I have a problem until it hurts someone I love. "Beautiful strangers that whisper your name, do they fill up the emptiness" is all of the people that I filled my life up with just so I could feel good about myself. Which is good in a way but the people I was with didn't help my situation and were frightened of me when I returned from the hospital. )

[Chorus]
Larger than life is your fiction
In a universe made up of one
You have been drifting for so long
I know you don't want to come down
Somewhere below you, there's people who love you
And they're ready for you to come home
Please come home ( This is basically saying that I want to feel good and wanted. Home is a place where logically you're supposed to feel safe and loved. Thats all I want out of this world. And when I "think" I don't have it I go off the deep end. )

You walk in a room and the world stops to stare
Mesmerize all who are caught in the glare
Of the spotlight that follows wherever you go
Does it light up the emptiness? ( When I was in 8th and 9th grades I would do stupid and insane things just so I could get attention and I loved it. But I hurt a lot of people. I even caused a girl to go as far as cut herself. That was when I figured out that I wasn't such a good person. And most of the time I still believe that. )

[Chorus]
Larger than life is your fiction
In a universe made up of one
You have been drifting for so long
I know you don't want to come down
Somewhere below you, there's people who love you
And they're ready for you to come home
Please come home

Alright song over. I just wanted to say in this whole long thing is that I recognize all my faults, and I take full responsibility for them. I just need some help recognizing the good in me. I know its there but I just don't know what to do any more.

My councler said that the reason some people don't want to be around me is that they don't understand. That they're afraid of me, of my condition. I understand that. Because I am too.

The Crumbling Wall

2004-11-23T03:18:02Z

By now of reading my all of two entries, you can probably guess that I'm a strangely difficult person. Today is no exception.

Today, I woke up. Good. Took a shower. Good. Ate Cap'n Crunch. Good. Lost my ID. Bad. Dad yelled at me for it. Bad. Went to school, and almost missed the bus. Bad but some what good. Felt like Monica wished I wasn't there. Bad. Got worse when we went to out morning practice room, and boyfriend showed up. Bad. Sat in a cornor quietly, Monica didn't care. Worse. Left practice room. Cried. Really bad. Ex saw me cry and cared which made me feel worse b/c that proved that people care even if I don't care if they care or not. I feel like a brat. i have no more energy. I'll continue later.

My Aunt Sarah

2004-10-10T18:07:43Z

My aunt sarah is one of those people who dont' know what their doing when they do it. She had depression, like me. But she has done so many things that i would never do. SHe has stolen from her mother and sister numerous times just so she can have money for pot. Now she's trying to suck me down with her. I refuse. Sarah is a black hole of feelings. Theres never just one thing going on. She always says great minds think alike. Referring to me and her. But are we really that great? Don't get me wrong i do love my aunt, but she is the embodiment of wrong. I have so many conflicting feelings about Sarah that I couldn't begin to tell you. But i do love her. I love that she does what she wants to do and believes that there's no harm in it. i love that she doesn't take peoples shit and she doesn't care wat the think. But I dont' think were alike. I believe that we used to be but I grew up and she's still a 40 year old teenager.