I've been so busy lately! There's been school, and things to do with my car and work, which seems like all the time. I've actually been trying to do my homework and get good grades. But I'm just so tired all the time.

I've been listening to Q101 alot lately. I'm getting into the alternative stuff. If you don't know music is like the main ingrediant in designing your own "Super Caitlin".

I'm 17 now! I had a bday. And I keep putting my friends in the trunk of my car. I should really stop that.

Alright if you know me well enough, you know that I get obsessed with things that I like. So just to update all of you here are my niches.

( Obsessed? Me? No. )

Hello my friends and welcome to 2006. I officially loved this past Christmas. If you didn't know already I got a used 2005 Dodge Neon. I GOT A FUCKING CAR FOR CHRISTMAS. How wild is that?! Let me tell you it's pretty damn wild. I also got an iPOD boom box thing where I can plug in my iPOD and listen to it with out head phones. It's pretty sweet. I also went to Evansville Indiana last Thursday. I got to see my dads family and it was awesome. We stayed at the Casino Aztar on the Ohio River and visited my dad's old haunts. I saw my aunt Annette. Who is now married. To a mean fat lady. Her name is Pam and she's blonde and humungous. I mean I know that I'm not the smallest person in the world but Pam is about three times as big as me. I just get this weird vibe from her. Anyway my aunt was a brunette with a little frost of gray in there but now she's growing her unruly curly hair out and she died it blonde. BLONDE! That's not natural. Alot of people ask when I tell them that my aunt is gay if it's weird. It's really not all that weird. The only weird thing is that my aunt didn't tell anyone that she was getting married. Well she did but she didn't say when. And she didn't let her family come because she didn't want the cousins (I have alot of them) to see her kiss a chick. Okay I wanted to go. I thought it would be cool to see a lesbian wedding. I really thought it would be awesome. But no I don't get a choice. Anyway I saw my Uncle Joe and his wife Carol and Aunt Carol lost like a whole backstreet boy. It's amazing. Oh and Aunt Carol's son Brian had a kid. She's a grandmother at 39. I also got to see my Aunt Jamie who is more like my dad then anyone in his family and they only share a mother. My aunt Jamie has a fiance, Scott, who isn't who I expected but he's really cool. I got to see my cousin Gus (Aunt Jamie's son, he's my age), and his friend Zeb. Gus has been through a lot this past year. Drugs, drinking, jail, you know the usual. But supposedly he's doing good now. I hope. I didn't get to see my cousin Diana (aunt Jamie's daughter, she's 18) until breakfast the last day that we were there. She's awesome. Me and her were like little twins when we were littler. We were inseperable. She's supposed to come for spring break this year. I can't wait to show her off to all of my friends. I didn't get to see my Aunt Debbie because (get this) if she came out to the Casino she would have to drive back home to find her way back to work. The casino is in Evansville. She works in Evansville. Evansville is about the size of Elgin. It's not that big. Oh yeah and she's a stripper. She's 52. I also went out to Boonville Indiana to visit my uncle Ray, his wife Wanda, and my cousins, Danny and Wanda Lee. I haven't seen Wanda Lee since our grandmother died five years ago. She has grown up so much and she's a lot more like me then I thought. She's adorable, I love that kid. LOVE YOU WANDA LEE! I didn't get to see my Uncle Gary and his wife Stacy and thier five kids because apparently an hour is too far to drive to see his brother. I just realized that this may be confusing to some of you so I'm going to give you a short family tree to make it easier on you.

Grandma: Lena Irene My Grandpa:Fred
Children: Linda (died)
Ray (married Wanda, had Danny Ray and Wanda Lee [Also some other kids out there and another wife])
Stan (My dad, married Jackie, my mom, had me and Taylor)
Debbie (Married some guy who died and had Micheal)
Annette (Married Pam, Pam has two kids)
Second Husband: Jim Winner
Jamie (Married Bruce, who died when I was six or seven, had Diana and Gus)
Gary (Married Stacy, had Dustin, Hailey, Bailey, Hunter and Ashton)
Joe (Married Carol, Carol had Brian from a previous marriage. [ Joe has some other kids out there some where, but no other wife.])

As you can see my family is highly disfunctional. I personally love it and find it histerical. I also came up with a great resolution for this year. No regrets. None. I promise. Even if I don't like something I did. I can't regret it. I won't. I refuse. Happy New Year everybody!

Alright christmas has made its way into our hearts, homes, and finally into our malls. Now I officially hate christmas shopping. Thank god I'm a loner and don't have many friends that expect presents from me. Right now I'm at my mom's friend Gwen's house typing this on her laptop, which by the way I want, looking around at her condo. Which to give you a visual looks like Christmas threw up. There's christmas stuff everywhere. It's christmas insanity. Anyway I'm sitting here waiting for my mom to finish her wine and finish painting Gwen's nails so I can go and get the remainder of my presents.

Now to bring the year of the online journal full circle, I still really don't like christmas. I like the getting of the presents and seeing the look on your friends faces when you give them exactly what they've been wanting for. But lately I haven't been very Caitie Krinkle-y. I've been more Caitie Grinch-y.I've also been really stressed lately and I know its all because of xmas and what comes along with it. And I'm just exhausted. Mentally and physically. Just tired.

The Christmas season sucks. It's the only season where people think about what other people need. I find it morbid and so very selfish. But I don't dare bring this up because I get alot of people telling me how great xmas is and I jsut really don't want to listen. So call me the grinch. Call me a mean spirited bitch, I really don't care. I'm just tired of not caring or caring too much and it just gets annoying.

But on January 4th I have to go to talent show try outs and I still don't know what song to do so if you have any suggestions that would be great. If you don't know what I sound like, I think its a mix between old time jazz and "an old black lady" (Mom.) and kinda soul-y. Thanx and Merry Xmas (I guess).

On my last update I talked about "Sammo" (btw, sorry to hear about your grandfather) and how he crushed my world. He told me at least I'm not blind, at least I'm not deaf. Well at least you don't have a drug addicted father, a mother who doesn't even blink an eye, a brother who tells people that he doesn't even know you, and a 'best friend' that says that she has too many obligations to hang out with you. So Sam, fuck you and all your new-age ska bullshit. You wanna know what I really wanted out of you? FWB. Maybe not even the FW part. Just the benefits. At least thats all I want now.

Fuck You List:

1. Fuck you dad. "I mean let's face it Cait, you're never gonna move out." That's what he actually said to me today. What a fucking dick head. I can't believe you came home the other night completely blown. You wanna keep me clean? Try keeping your self clean. You think I'm such a disappointment? I'll show you disappointment.

2. Fuck you mom. You wanna protect your family. Quit drinking like a fucking alcoholic and take care of your fucked up husband.

3. Fuck you Monica. I call you and spill my guts to you because I had no one else to talk to and you tell me that you have too many other obligations to be my friend? You know, sometimes I can't believe how right you are, and how stupid you can be. I'm sick of you coming to me when you need something. And when I ask you for something you have too many oblications. Well, fuck you and your ass hole of a boyfriend.

4. Fuck you Josh. You were supposed to protect me. You were supposed to be my "big-bro". All you want is what you can gain out of it. Fuck you.

5. Fuck you Chris. At the moment I hate you. Do you really think people like you the way you act? Even April talks about you behind your back. And to think I used to defend you to people and you can't even show me a hint of gratitude. You know, you used to show me a side of your self that was actually half way decient. But now I can't stand to be near you.

6. Fuck you Matt. You wanna protect me? Then take a fucking look around. Rosie isn't gonna be there forever. I'm going to be there, Rachel is going to be there. Open up your fucking eyes and quit being such a dushe. You wanna be a friend to me? Ask me how I'm fucking doing, and maybe I'll tell you how I'm afraid to drive by myself because I just might cross over to the other lane and kill myself.

7. Fuck you Vania, for thinking that this game that your playing would actually fool me. Good try. You may have gotten everyone else but I'm not fooled. Your still the fucking manipulative bitch that got mad at me because Ashton snagged Mattie up. Get the fuck over it.

8. Fuck you Caitlin. That's right me. Fuck my life. Fuck my family. Fuck every screwed up thing that I've done in the last year. Taylor isn't the only one ashamed of me. I am too. I hate myself. I hate everything that I've done because no matter what, to some one else its just not good enough.

Any one have a problem with that, leave me a message, maybe just maybe I'll retaliate.

The heart wants what the heart wants and I don't think that there's a logically reason for that either. As you know for the past year I've liked this guy. I mean he wasn't just a guy, he was the one guy that I had known for my whole life and hasn't run away screaming. Or atleast I don't think he has. That is until tonight. I finally opened myself up to all of the things that I have been mulling around in my head forever, and I was shot down.

I had created this little world inside my head and now its got this crack in it.

And I feel like a complete idiot for letting him lead me on and I hate him because he could care less. But the pathetic part is that I don't hate him. And I almost hope that he'll talk to me when I see him on Saturday and I hope for a lot of things. I hope that he didn't mean half the stuff he said. And I hope that this isn't it.

But thats just it. Hope.

Must come to an end...:
In my last entry I wrote about my friend Jeff who was dying. Well on September 25 2005 he passed away. The wake was that following Wednesday and the funeral was that Thursday. It was really sad and I cried alot but he's in a better place now.

Updation:
So on Friday the 30th was the homecoming assemble. And I don't know why but I like that assemble the best out of all the other assembles. So that was cool. The uncool part about that day was that I got grounded for not cleaning my room. Which by the way was uber gay. Although on Sunday me and Taylor went to go see the movie 'Into the Blue' and may I say Paul Walker is beyond HOT. The movie kinda sucked but I got to see Paul Walker shirtless multiple times. So I was a happy camper.

Then Wednesday was my new obsession. I am obsessed with the show Veronica Mars. It is absolutely brillant. I have no other words for it.

On Thursday I picked Ashton up from work and she slept over which was nice because I hadn't seen her alot lately unless were in the school setting and even then she's rushing off to do something. But it was nice to spend some quality time with her. Although I was kinda a bitch and for some reason I couldn't stop. It was like an on going bitch-a-thon. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

I know that I haven't gotten my period since like July. Which is not good. NO! I'M NOT PREGNANT! Am I that much of a whore that people have to ask that question over and over. Any way I set up a doctor's appointment to find out whats going on down south in two weeks.

Today was kinda cool. My friend Corey Baer has been training since the middle of the summer for the LaSalle Bank marathon and today was the day of truth. Me, mom and Gwen went down town to watch him. We went to his, Jessi (his g/f) and his brother Jeb's appartment first and then we went down to ChinaTown. Which I absolutely loved. After we saw Corey run past us we took a cab up to the finish line to beat him there. We saw him a mile before the finish line and then me, mom and Gwen booked in to the Christopher Columbus statue while Jeb and Jessi went to go find Corey. Turns out it was a mad house (big surprise) and Jeb and Jessi couldn't find Corey. So we all sat on the memorial and waited. Then, (Caution: Overly dramatic writing ahead) limping up the large hill we saw a black beanie bouncing. It was then we new it was Corey. The 26 mile runner. We got in order of the letters we wrote in ChinaTown. It was his name, I don't know I read that back to myself and it just didn't make since. And we cheered for the champ who ran 26 miles in under 4 hours. Then we went back to his appartment and he took a hot bath, and once he was done we went to Unos for some pizza. It was good. Not Lou's but it was good.

And on the way home mom and Gwen had a 'who's the better flicker offer' contest with this guy that Gwen had been "racing" to get in front of because his lane was merging. The guy was a dick head. I refused to participate and now that I think about it I don't know why the hell I didn't.

Oh well that was my weekend, and I've still got a whole other day to go!

Jeff Daniels has been a family friend since before I can remember. His mom Patti is best friends with my mom. Jeff was got a brain tumor when he was three. They told him that he probably wouldn't live six months. Jeff has surpassed that by some twenty odd years. Although he's been in hospitals most of his life and he's mostly paralized from the neck down he has definately surprised all of us in all that he's come through.

Why am I telling you all of this? Well, Jeff is dying. The doctors said that he's actually drowning in his own food. His organs haven't shut down yet but that could take days or weeks. Jeff is the only one that is so close to my age that I'm going to lose. Everyone of his surgeries I was there out in the waiting room, waiting for them to finish. I remember countless times of when he would be there and then he wasn't. He's been out of it for an extremely long time. I'm just scared that this time. This funeral. Is going to hurt.

Sad to say, but it is time for Jeff to go. He has been through so much pain. And visiting him today in the hospital and watching him lie there with out being able to move or speak or even blink was just painful enough. I'm going to miss him, but as they say, all good things must come to an end.

I know I haven't updated in a while but I've had alot on my plate. Not that any one has noticed. Let's see, the last time I updated it was Saturday, August 27th. That day Taylor had his first football game vs. Glenbard North and they won.

August 28th was Dad's birthday and we went to the movies to see something that I really can't remember but Danny had come over Saturday night and stayed until Sunday night when we took him home.

Monday was Arianna's birthday. I'm so amazed at how far she's gotten in life. Sure she's only three but she is simply a miracle. If you don't know Arianna is my goddaughter, and she was born four months premature. She was less a foot long and less then one pound. Four of her fingers could fit on my index finger nail. It was highly doubtfully that she would like a couple of weeks, but she has been strong for three years. Although she is just now making complete sentences, she's making such progress. But I didn't get to see her because her mother, my cousin, the person that I used to look up to, is still mad at me for telling my mom that she thought mom was racist towards her (my cousins Equdorian), and by the way that's complete bull shit.

That following Saturday, (September 3)Taylor had another game against... someone but I know that they won. I also applied for a job at Claire's at Charleston Mall. The manager said that she would call me on Tuesday.

On the fourth Monica slept over so she could sleep and not be disturbed. But I made her sleep on an aero-bed so I don't know how rested she actually was.

On Monday Me, her and Zak went to the mall to look for formal shirts for him for homecoming. We found one that was way to expensive so we put it on hold and then we went casual shopping, and I'm impressed that after a few of my technique's (spelling?) Zak actually looked good in a gray thermal long sleeve shirt and a cordorouy (again, spelling?) jacket. Bravo me.

Tuesday I took mom to work so I had the car and drove Ashton and Taylor to school even though I didn't have one of those stupid little parking stickers. I thought that if I put a sign on the window that I was going to get the sticker that day that it would be alright. Well anyway around fifth period I started to actually feel that cold that I had and went home after during sixth only to find a ten dollar ticket on my driver side window. As if that day couldn't get any more hectic. But surprisingly mom was okay with the ticket. No word from the Claire's lady.

On Wednesday, my new favorite TV day, I watched my new favorite show, Veronica Mars. I love it. I don't know why but I do. No word from the Claire's lady.

Yesterday Taylor had another game against Nequa Valley and they won. The freshman 'A' team is still undefeated, and they are the only freshman team to get so far with out losing yet. That's pretty neat. No word from the Claire's lady... I think I'm starting to see a patern.

This morning I wrote in my planner to go to the Rwanda Relief Group in the morning before school but I just didn't have the energy. I finally got that stupid parking sticker today and I still haven't payed my ticket! Why, you ask? Because apparently you need to bring the ticket with you to pay it and I could swear that the lady in the Treasurers Office has a brain disfunction, or she's just really bitchy. Oh, and amazingly the Claire's lady did not call today. I really wanted that job too. Any way I met a really great guy today. He's sweet, and charming and gives me lots of compliments. The only flaw. He lives in California, and I live in Illinios. Why are the good ones so far away...?

So lately I've been surrounded completely around love. It's almost sickening. Now if you've known me long enough you'd know that I am definately a hopeless romantic. So when I meet a guy and begin to like them I often day dream about being in a relationship or interacting in some sexual way with them. It's usually the second part though. But strangely enough I haven't been thinking about that. Even though being around Ashton and Steve, Monica and Zak and even Danny and Dalara (sorry if I spelled that wrong) it seems like the most logical step in my thinking is to start thinking about my own situation. Which to be honest I think about it alot and I begin to over analyze it so I force my self to stop. I honestly don't know what to think anymore though. I keep going around and around and I don't know what to do. I try to pick up sutle hints from him but I'm not that smart and he's really good. At being sutle that is.... and other things. I mean I really like him. (Especially when he bites my lip but thats off subject) I just don't know where I stand with him.

But I've learned that I don't want a boyfriend. Not really. I mean I don't want the title but I want the stuff that goes with it. You know? Friends with benefits kinda thing. The reason why: I tend to screw up relationships. I mean I want to be "in love" and I rush it or I get scared completely shitless and some how fuck it up or my personal favorite I get completely screwed over by the guy. It's a vicious cycle. I would rather have an FWB, because then I wouldn't get hurt.

Alot of people say "Let's just be FWB's, you know, no strings attached." But some how strings just magically appear and some one always ends up pissed or crying. I don't want that. I want all the good stuff. I want someone I can call baby and who will call me baby back.

Now, if guys knew how easy it was to get a girl to like them. It would be amazing. When a guy calls me 'baby' or 'doll' or any type of endearment nickname thing, I instintly melt inside. It's like clock work.

The whole point of this update is because I'm majorly confused. I don't know what to do about my situation. I mean I really like this guy and I've known him for practically ever. He's sweet, smart, cute, and funny. He's the whole freaking package! And I don't know what the fuck to do about it. Damn, my hormones and emotions. Damn them to hell.

All I really want is to belong to someone. That's all any girl really wants.

In two whole days I will be back in the hell-hole that this poedunk town likes to call Bartlett High School. Today confirmed it. I went to walmart, and bought all my supplies, although I do love my new notebooks. I'm a writer. I'm a sucker for fresh college rule loose leaf paper. So as if "back-to-school" clothes shopping wasn't enough to sink me into the pitiful dispair of the end-of-summer-itis (although i got three really cute pair of shoes [I'm also a sucker for shoes]) I had to go to walmart with the whole family. And the walmart on Barrington Road is like going to a third world country. It's weird.

So as boredom provailed yesterday I went to FireHotQuotes.com (which I'm convinced is run by rufee drugged cheerleaders, preppy bitches) I actually found some good quotes:

Away messages (that you just might catch me using):

• Don't even think of typing to me...
• If you go away I just might come back.
• Playing Hide N' Seek with blind kids.
• Letting my anger out of its cage, again
• You know the drill.
• Late night TV is educational. It teaches you that you should have gone to bed earlier.
• Life is all about ass. You're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it or behaving like one.
• My parents taught me the circle of life from an early age: "I brought you into this world and I can take you out!"
• You never suspect the stupid ones.
• Jesus is coming! Look busy!
• Sometimes I wish people would just buy a clue.
• I dream of a better tomorrow where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned.

Some handy advice:

• Attitude is knowing you have one, liking it, and not caring what anybody else thinks.
• Don't cut me off and then drive like it's Sunday.
• Join the dark side... We have cookies.
• Drive it like you stole it.

Just for the girls:

• A woman has to work twice as hard as a man to be considered half as good. Luckily, it's not that hard.
• Sometimes you have to dig a little deeper to find the perfect shoe.
• I swear its the irish in me.
• When I'm good, I'm very good, but when I'm bad, I'm even better.

Movie Quotes:

• "You just witnessed a totally original moment." - Garden State
• "Are you stalking me?! Because that would be fantastic!" - Van Wilder
• "You are a sad, strange little man, and you have my pity." - Toy Story
• "What we have here is a failure to communicate." - Cool Hand Luke
• "Who throws a cupcake? Honestly?" - Austin Powers

Alright thats all for me.